No Pain No Gain
by Chocofreakazoid
Summary: This story is not what it seems. Read and review please!


**Disclaimer: O**ther than the plot and some random fictional character, I own nothing.

**No Pain No Gain**

_Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop_...

The sound of horse hooves beating relentlessly against the ground in the dark and empty streets was a cause for worry in the black city of Uru'baen. Ever since King Galbatorix had seized power, he had set up a strict curfew in order to weed out the Varden's spies or soldiers who were attempting to flee. The street lamps flickered on as a hooded man on horseback rode away, heading towards to the grand palace where the King resided.

He approached the palace quickly. As soon as he reached his destination, he leapt of his horse the sprinted towards the tall, austere iron gates of the castle. Unfortunately for him, he was intercepted by two guards.

"Where d'ya think yer going?" One guard asked the hooded man sluggishly. Judging by the foul odour coming from his breath and the fact that he seemed somewhat off balance, he was drunk.

"I have urgent news for the King! I must be granted passage _immediately_," said the man. His hood had fallen off and revealed his sweaty, anxious face.

"Don't lie; you're one of them Varden spies aren't you..." The second guard jabbed him in the chest with his finger. Evidently he too was drunk, for the force of jabbing him caused him to fall backwards and land on his behind.

"I don't have time waste with fools like you! I have to speak to the King! It is of the utmost importance! If you don't let me through, I will have the pair of you executed for neglecting your duty to the Empire!" The man glared at the pair of them impatiently.

"Ah, whatever. Go ahead," said the first guard, waving a hand and he allowed the man through. The man nodded curtly and without further ado, hurried across the palace grounds. He grabbed the knocker of the enormous wooden door and banged loudly for nearly a minute before another guard answered.

"Where's the king!" the man pushed past the guard. The urgency in his tone became far more pronounced. "I must speak to him!"

"What business do you have with the King?" asked the guard, his eyes narrowed.

"It's confidential! Now if you don't want to face the wrath of King Galbatorix, I suggest you show me to him! _Now_."

"And just who are to demand an audience with the King, unannounced at this time of night?!" demanded the guard. "I don't take orders from people who aren't superior to me."

"I am Gorshnak, one of the King's spellcasters. Now LET ME THROUGH!"

The guard paled instantly. To speak to someone who evidently _is_ a superior so insolently was the ultimate way to get a flogging. "Th-this way sir," he said, mustering his most remorseful voice. He led Gorshnak down the polished marble halls to a solid black door. The guard knocked on the door.

"Who dares interrupt me!" thundered the deep, angry voice of the King.

"S-s-sorry, sire but G- Gorshnak the spellcaster has c-come with urgent news." The guard was obviously terrified of addressing the King.

"Send him in!" boomed Galbatorix. Gorshnak rushed in without hesitation.

The throne room was magnificent. It an enormous hall paved with pure marble. Twelve crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling. Numerous paintings of the King staring haughtily were hung off the walls. At the end of the hall was King Galbatorix himself, who was seated in an intricately designed throne made of pure gold and embedded with jewels. Galbatorix himself was dressed in a dark tunic and a gold crown was perched on his balding head. Shruikan lay beside the throne, his red eyes fixed maliciously on Gorshvak.

"What is it!" barked Galbatorix, his loud voice echoing. Gorshvak licked his lips nervously. He walked towards the King and once he was a mere two or three feet away, he knelt down.

"Sire, I have brought urgent news to you from General Hart's regiment-"

"What has he done now?" Galbatorix looked ready to break the unknown General's bones.

"We-well, he's done nothing per say... do you remember the spell you cast over the soldiers? The ones that cut off their ability to feel pain?"

"Yes, I remember, now get to the point," said Galbatorix testily.

"Well, it's j-just-"

The doors banged open and in came Eragon, marching confidently, with Saphira flying behind him.

"GALBATORIX! YOU EVIL, EVIL MAN! I HAVE COME TO MAKE YOU ATONE FOR ALL THE SUFFERING YOU HAVE CAUSED!" Eragon continued to march confidently, glaring at him with his fierce, slanted eyes. Saphira growled menacingly.

"HOW DID HE GET IN HERE?! HOW DID HE GET PAST MY MASSIVE ARMY?!" Galbatorix shrieked, staring from Eragon to Saphira, to Gorshvak.

Eragon blinked, as if Galbatorix has asked a rather silly question. "Oh, well I just flew over your dead army. It was easy to defeat them all since they kinda collapsed in the middle of defending Uru'baen from the surprise attack the Varden planned. I must say, your army is _very_ overrated. Anyways, you left your door open so I thought I'd let myself in." He smiled widely.

"WHAT?!"

"I-I tried to warn you," said Gorshvak in a very small voice. "B-but you kept interrupting me and it was too late." He cowered under the livid expression that passed over Galbatorix's face. Suddenly, his body became rigid and cold and then he literally dropped dead.

"Well, that takes of his last spellcaster," said Eragon. "Boy, our trip here left our throats really dry and dusty, didn't it? Oy Galby, fetch a couple of barrels of mead will ya?"

"Barrels? I didn't know Eragon Shadeslayer was a drunkard," sneered Galbatorix, trying to sneak in a few jabs to cover his own dismay at his current situation. "What a blow it will be when his precious Varden learns of that!"

_Not for Eragon, for ME! Dragons like the occasional drink too you know_ sniffed Saphira. She appeared a little over-sensitive that Galby did not know she liked to have drinks too.

_Could- could I have some too?_ asked Shruikan meekly. _I never get any mead_.

"I'd like a glass of ale myself, if you don't mind," said Gorshvak's dead body.

Galbatorix, Shruikan, Eragon and Saphira all stared at the body in disbelief.

_Did a corpse just _talk_ right now?_ asked Saphira. She sniffed at it delicately. _Ewww, it's rotting as we speak_.

"Um... we're imagining it...?" Eragon too seemed surprised.

"Just pour it over my body. Dead people never get the good stuff. Just lemme have one more drink before my body is entirely gone," said the body, but it was completely ignored as Galbatorix began to scream again.

"UGH! HOW DARE YOU DANCE INTO MY CHAMBERS AND DEMAND SEVEN BARRELS OF BEER?! MY ARMY JUST DIED! I DEMAND YOU TELL ME HOW!"

"Who cares about that, I want beer," said the dead corpse.

"I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ALE?! OH FOR GAWDS SAKE THAT DOESN'T MATTER! HOW DID MY SOLDIER'S DIE?!"

"It's simple really," said Eragon. "The spell you placed on your soldiers-"

_-the ones that shut off the soldiers ability to feel pain_, said Saphira. _Well, you went kind of overboard and made the spell so strong-_

"-that the soldiers lost all their sense of feeling-"

_-and could not move at all_-

"-causing them to become easy targets," finished Eragon. "Ahh, it was wonderful not having to fight all those soldiers."

_Indeed_, agreed Saphira.

"So-so you're saying that it was _my_ fault! You're blaming _me_ for showing mercy to my soldiers?!" spluttered Galbatorix. Eragon nodded.

"It's _entirely_ your fault. You made them sitting ducks," said Eragon gleefully.

"Hey! _Quit stalling and bring me some ale_!" cried the dead body. Again, it was ignored.

"What happened to Murtagh?! And Thorn?!" Galbatorix demanded. It was Saphira who answered.

_They went on vacation_.

"WHAT?! WHERE DID THEY GO?! AND WITHOUT _MY_ PERMISSION?!"

"He and Nasuada are probably getting it on in some far away hotel, having a romantic getaway," said Eragon "Some foreign country... Sentanyia? Sendnarnia? Sendaria was it? I can't seem to recall." He pondered for a moment. "I think it was Narnia."

_I'm certain it was Sendaria_, said Saphira.

"Maybe it was Hogwarts! No... that's something else..."

"Maybe they went to heaven!" said the dead body. Eragon, Saphira, Galbatorix and Shruikan all stared at it. If a dead body could shrug, it probably would've. "What? I just died; I'm going to be off to heaven as soon as I get some beer!"

"When you were alive, you were always chastising people for drinking! You filthy hypocrite!" snarled Galbatorix.

"The point is, you're outnumbered Galby-"

"DON'T CALL ME GALBY!" shrieked Galbatorix but Eragon continued to speak.

"- and your army has fallen. Murtagh and Thorn have abandoned you. So you can either surrender and come quietly, or we'll kill you. Your choice."

"You may have overcome my army, but you cannot defeat _ME_!"

He advanced on Eragon, his hands raised over his head like claws. Eragon yawned. Saphira laughed.

"You forget that _I_ am the most powerful Rider in all of Alagaesia!"

_Did you cast those pain-reducing spells on yourself?_ inquired Saphira. Galbatorix grinned guiltily and shuffled his feet.

"I... I _might've_." He looked up with fresh determination to destroy Eragon etched on his wrinkled face. "BUT I'M STILL BETTER THAN YOU!" With that said, he charged at Eragon and Saphira. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" His silly war-cry gave Eragon and Saphira the impression that Galby was constipated.

What with the stupid charging-at-people-scream, the running, the crazed expression on Galbatorix's face and the fact that every motion now seemed a thousand times more dramatized than usual, the overall effect was extremely corny.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- argh, nooooo!" Just as Galbatorix skidded before Eragon, he stumbled over his billowing black cape and landed on his behind with a loud _THUD_!

Shruikan's red eyes lit up excitedly. _Now is the time... for VENGEANCE_!

Before Eragon of Saphira could do anything, Shruikan extended his long black neck towards Galbatorix and swallowed him whole.

Eragon and Saphira stared at him with wonder.

_I forgot how tasteless humans are, him in particular_.

THE END

"HOLD IT! You've forgotten all about the Eldunarí, you haven't written an epilogue AND you've completely ignored everything that happened in the previous books!" Eragon glared angrily at the author.

"Hey! I'm the author! Why the hell am I here?!" said Chocofreakazoid, looking confusedly around at her surroundings.

"I JUST SAID WHY!" Eragon continued to glare at the author.

"Let Paolini handle that stuff. It's too boring for me. Right, now I'm going back to Canada! Galby's castle is creepy."

"But-"

**THE END **(the real one)

* * *

Hi people! I was inspired to write this story when my music teacher told my class about how he knows a guy who is losing his sense to feeling altogether after a fatal accident. I know that this guy's injuries are very serious but it reminded me of how Galby took away his soldiers ability to feel pain and the idea of it backfiring on him was quite intriguing. The idea of his reaction was purely hilarious. So I wrote the story and I hope you've all enjoyed it! HUGE credit as always goes to FanimeScribbler for her support and awesomeness!!! Credit to Zubi for his best idea yet! Read an review people! I cannot stress enough how nice it is to hear from you!

Thanks again,

-the Chocofreakazoid


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